A Very Naruto Christmas
by JellyfishBlues
Summary: Naruto decided that was going to have the best ninja-christmas ever. One thing led to another. :: AU/Goblin spinoff ::


"Sorta brings you back, you know." Said Sasuke. It was another brisk winter morning and the only thing keeping him from shivering was the sun at his back. He skirted around shadows, leaving Kiba to wade through them alone and with an air of pompous superiority. Kiba eyed him as they passed Ino's family's flowershop, brushing his fingers along the hanging planters boxes of winter-greens and spices as he passed.

"Not that far back." Kiba said. "Like, maybe five days back."

"I didn't say it brought me back _far_." Replied Sasuke, walking the single strip of gold that ran between this thatch of taller shops. "Just that it did. And it does."

"It _do._" Kiba sighed. "Yeah it do. Well, we're not far at least. See?"

Sasuke saw. Naruto's apartment was only a few minutes off, looming over its surrounding residences like an ancient, eight-story tree braced by saplings. "Well. Here's hoping he's not doing anything _too_ stupid."

* * *

The blinds were shut. The lights were off. The kitchen table was in the living room on its side, kitchen-chairs around it to free more space on the tile.

_"He sees all. Knows all."_

Naruto sat on his knees in the center of the kitchen. Five candy-canes slowly burned in a pentagram around him, the plastic coverings shriveling and belching mottled black smoke, the sugarcane sparking, and in the dark they glowed as clusters of starlight. A grim foreboding of the course that all stars must take – birthed, burned and gone in an instant.

_"A list of ten-million names in his left hand; the paper cracked with age."_

In his hands: a decorative wreath lined with bells. He shook it once, and the sound carried throughout the room. The flames flickered.

_"Birthed in the eternal flames, his voice is fire, his eyes are coals."_

The candycanes began to burn brighter, and drips of liquid sugar began to form arcane lines across the tile. Naruto heard whispering in the air, but the words were too fast and in a language he did not understand. A cold spark ran up his spine as he felt something brush his neck. He saw a figure from the corner of his eyes, but in the gloom it seemed as though a mist curling in the dark; form flickering and inconsistent, and the next moment it was gone. Naruto shut his eyes as a child might to ward off night terrors, unaware of the fragility of the human form that might be broken in an instant.

_"He is not alone, for his minions are many."_

The room darkened further as the candycanes reached their last dregs, fitful sparks illuminating only small circles of the floor around him while all else was consumed in darkness. Naruto shook the wreath.

_"This one asks of you: lend me your army of fire, so that I might have the bitchinest ninja-Christmas ever."_

The candycanes fizzled out, but their light remained for a moment. Naruto heard a baritone laugh, hoarse with age and bitter with grief. He dared open his eyes, but there was nothing there. The smoke alarm went off.

**_BEEP BEEP BEEP-_**

* * *

"That walkup, man." Gasped Kiba, leaning heavily against the wall. "Gets me every time."

"It's called cardio, man." Sasuke replied, none worse for wear, and walked past Kiba, ignoring the bitter look aimed his way. He rounded the corner, hand idly scratching along the railing separating him from an eight story drop. Naruto's door was twenty feet from him. Fifteen. Ten. Sasuke thought he could hear something beeping-

A small disk burst through Naruto's window – **_BEEP BEEP _**_BEEP BEep beep be… - _and fell; punctuated with the distant sound of a window breaking and an alarmed cry.

"...Alright then." Sasuke walked to Naruto's door and decided to forgo pleasantries and just let himself in.

"Naruto!" He called, nose crinkling at the smell of burnt plastic and sugar, eyes squinting into the pall of dark that had fallen over Naruto's apartment. "Naruto you haven't been to the academy for like four days and people are sure you're dead again!"

"What?" Echoed from Naruto's kitchen. "Oh – oh okay. Sorry! I've been real busy with – well I'll tell you in a bit I guess!"

Sasuke grimaced. "Or don't – whatever."

"Coming!"

Sasuke began to leave, and a few moments later Naruto was shutting his door and pretending to lock it. "So anyways," Naruto began. They collected Kiba and started the walk down. "I – on account of it being ninja-christmas tomorrow-"

"What the fuck is ninja chr-" Kiba felt a hand on his shoulder and glanced over to see Sasuke looking at him sternly, shaking his head.

Naruto continued as though uninterrupted. "-I've been working on summoning some of Santa's minions to help spread the cheer to everyone. I mean, I know this'll be the first ninja-christmas in Konoha so I want it to go real swell."

"… Hmm." Said Sasuke. He and Kiba shared a suspicious glance. "Alright… Ninja christmas, huh?"

"Yeah." Naruto nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah I read about it in one of those illustrated-novels-" _picture book_, Kiba mouthed to Sasuke, "and it seemed sort of cool so I wanted to do something good instead of just - fucking things up how I usually do."

"Well it's the thought that counts." Kiba said helpfully, not really believing it himself. "I guess. At any rate I doubt you messed anything up."

"Whatever." Sasuke said. "Now come on, let's get to class."

They got to class, and Naruto was in a good cheer so was content to let events pass as they may. And soon the day was gone, and Naruto returned to bed with a smile on his lips and a sleeping cap on his head. Elsewhere in town, Sasuke retired for the night not feeling half bad. As he pulled the covers over his shoulders he wondered if the next day would indeed be special as Naruto had claimed and worked for. Probably not, he mused. In yet another part of town Kiba put on his pajamas. He felt kind of grumpy, but that was because dinner had been terrible and his stomach hadn't yet settled. He hopped in bed regardless.

The clock struck eleven-fifty-five. Konoha was asleep. The occasional patrol flittered across rooftops on light feet, but most were in bed, unaware of the ticking seconds.

Eleven-fifty-seven. Kiba was having a very odd dream, and his legs kicked in his sleep. Downstairs his sister clapped her hands to her ears.

Eleven-fifty-nine. Sasuke didn't dream of anything, so he didn't move. In his kitchen, a light began to flicker.

The clock struck twelve. Naruto woke in a cold sweat. His bedroom was quiet, unearthly so. He couldn't hear the cat-clock on the far wall, not even the occasional subtle whirr of its tail, or the clicks of its eyes as they rolled back and forth. Naruto sighed, and his breath fogged. He was thirsty.

Naruto shuffled into his kitchen, his bear-paw slippers squeaking along the tile as he blindly grabbed a glass from his cupboard and set about filling it at the sink. His first attempt at a sip splashed a tablespoon down his shirt. He guzzled the rest, and turned to trundle back to bed.

He stopped in the doorway, ears perked. He'd heard something. Naruto turned around slowly, praying the sudden chill that washed over him would sharpen his eyes against the dark. Behind him! Naruto spun, but there was nothing but air. Light caught his attention and he turned to eye the sugar pentagram beneath his kitchen table – try as he might he had been unable to wash it off. It glowed now, he saw. An acrid smoke began to issue from the lines of sugar, and the smell of sulfur momentarily overwhelmed him, and he turned his head away. "god _what_ is that…"

Something began to rise from the pentagram. As Naruto gagged and waved the air away from his face, his kitchen table lifted into the air, laid across the shoulders of some immense shadow. And still it rose, until the kitchen table pulped between its back and the ceiling. And still it rose, until the ceiling buckled and burst open, and cold night air rushed in across Naruto's neck. Now Naruto looked up, having been frozen in disbelief, and saw two great red eyes opening in the dark far above.

_Wha… _Naruto backed away – he tripped over himself and fell back, hands spread in front of him as he prepared for the worst. He closed his eyes. Who would feed his plant? Who! "Nooooooooooo…!" Naruto cried. But nothing happened. He opened his eyes and saw the thing had crouched down into his apartment, and its eyes were in the doorway to his kitchen, its head taking the better part of the space available there.

CHRISTMAS?" It said. Naruto shuddered at the sound. "FOOL. FOOL. YOUR KIN DANCE ABOVE MY HEAD. HEEDING NAUGHT. SEEING NAUGHT. CAVORTING IN A DREAM. NONE ARE FREE FROM THE WEIGHT THAT BOWS MANS BACK. AND YOU, JESTER:" The face leaned in, and Naruto lost his breath at the heat that washed over him. "YOUR FATHER CRIES FOR YOU, BUT YOU CANNOT HEAR HIM. THERE IS YET SPACE IN THE BELLY OF DEATH." It turned away, but still Naruto couldn't breathe. He didn't dare, for fear of feeling those eyes on him again. "CHRISTMAS… YES, JESTER. THIS WILL INDEED BE THE… 'BITCHINEST NINJA-CHRISTMAS EVER.'"

Now Naruto blinked, unable to keep his eyes wide a moment longer… and it was gone. The remains of his kitchen were cast around, and the only sound the whisper of cold air above. Naruto let out a shaky breath.

* * *

Sasuke woke to the sight of Naruto's concerned face hovering overhead. They maintained eye contact for a long moment until Naruto spoke hurriedly. "Sasuke I did bad."

Sasuke took in a deep, tired breath, and then led out a long, exhausted sigh. Naruto nervously fiddled with himself as he waited. "… of course you did."

"I need help like, now."

"I'm sure you do." Sasuke forced his brain to make his body get out of bed. He started changing into his going-out clothes.

"I uh." Naruto began. "I – yesterday – well, this, today – this morning… Why does shit get so confusing past midnight? I hadn't been to the academy for so long because I was researching, and this morning I summoned Santa's minions to help make this Christmas awesome – but only one came and it was super huge and evil and-"

Sasuke was now dressed and prepared for a long, long night. "So I assume it's going to destroy the world or something?"

"Yeah probably."

Sasuke sighed yet again. "Let me see your… your summoning thing, whatever you used. Maybe there's an explanation there."

Naruto looked at him sheepishly. "I uh... was in a bit of a rush so I kind of left all my stuff at my place."

"Yeah of course you did. Well. Off we go, huh."

"Thanks man."

"Shaddup. Let's grab Kiba on the way. I'm sure as hell not gonna be the only one losing sleep."

* * *

Kiba woke to the sight of Naruto and Sasuke hovering over him. "…I'll get my shoes."

* * *

"Those _fucking stairs_…" Gasped Kiba, stumbling over to fall across Naruto's sofa. Naruto walked past him into the kitchen, Sasuke following with a parting whisper of _cardio_.

Sasuke momentarily gaped as the kitchen came into view; the furniture was shattered, there was a gaping hole in the ceiling, and on the tile spread a sinister looking design. Naruto took a moment to get a sip from the sink, and returned to Sasuke's side with a slim leather-bound book. "Here."

Sasuke flipped it to the bookmarked page, eyes immediately narrowing. As he read his expression fell and fell, and at last he could only press a hand to his face.

"Naruto." He said sternly, partially muffled by his hand. "Read the word I am pointing to."

Naruto leaned in indulgently. "…Santa."

Sasuke dragged the hand down his face. "Naruto that's not Santa that's Satan_ you summoned a minion of Satan._"

"What?" Cried Kiba, who'd encroached behind them. "Goddamnit Naruto your selective dyslexia has doomed us again!"

"Well it was an honest mistake." Naruto said, feeling a little put out.

Kiba massaged his temple. "What the hell do we do?"

Sasuke could only shrug. Both turned to look at Naruto, who suddenly became very interested in the glass of water he held. "Well?" They said.

"Uh… Okay. Hear me out."

* * *

Ino was in a dreamless sleep, cocooned up in purple sheets. Her room was quiet; the dresser adjacent bulged with clothes, and atop it sat a small pile of books and a vase of flowers. Her desk sat aside, the surface bare polished wood but for the top corner that was covered in incomplete homework and eraser shavings. Down the hall her parents slept quietly, and below, her family's flowershop began to hiss as the watering systems sputtered to life.

She woke. She knew immediately and with certainty, the same shuddering certainty of nightmares that she was not alone. Ino tried not to move but couldn't; her legs shook once, and a rumbling like a small earthquake shook her bed. '_Dad.'_ Ino tried to say, but her voice was gone. She could see it now, in the dark. A great form rummaged about her room, and as it turned in place, its great bulk rattling her dresser, Ino gazed into two basketball sized eyes. She shuddered.

_"…Da…"_

The thing rumbled contemplatively. "SLEEP, LITTLE DUMPLING." A hand larger than her torso reached out and smoothed the comforters across her shoulders, and Ino calmed minutely as a warmth chased the chill from her bare neck. "SPEAK OF THIS TO ANOTHER AND I SHALL CONSUME YOU WHOLE." The chill was back. Ino frightfully tucked her head down beneath the covers, and when she dared poke her head out again the thing was gone, and there was a small box on her dresser.

* * *

Shikamaru sat in his room, silently awaiting recovery from near blindness for the fourth or fifth time. His ears picked up movement. "Is someone there?"

"… NO."

"I heard that."

"… NOTHING."

Shikamaru sighed. His dad sounded like he'd eaten rocks. "Just go back to b-"

"TAKE YOUR BOX AND BE SILENT, SMALL MEAT-HUMAN." A box hit Shikamaru in the face, potentially blinding him. "THERE ARE YET MORE TO VISIT THIS NIGHT."

* * *

"It's not showing up." One bush in front of Sakura's house said.

"It will." Said another.

"It won't." Said the first, and Kiba popped out of the top of it, brushing leaves from his shoulders. "This plan is stupid."

"It's gonna show up!" Naruto cried, launching from the second bush. "It has to! I used my brain and everything!"

"Why would it?" Sasuke said from where he'd been sitting in his lawn chair. He took a sip from his beer. "You never really explained that."

"Duuuuh!" Naruto said, "haven't you ever heard of irony? Sakura and me are super-duper-soulmates it'd kill her first! Or last! I can't remember how long we've been up!"

"You…" Sasuke finished his beer while Naruto patiently waited. He belched. "We're here because you think Sakura likes you? And the thing you summoned will kill her because of that?"

"A-_duuuuuh_."

Kiba let that sink in for a moment. "… Why?"

"Well _obviously-_"

"No, why do you think she even likes you ?"

Naruto's mouth hung open for a bit. It closed. Opened. Closed. Naruto looked scandalized. "Well _duuuuh!"_

"Let's go." Said Sasuke, collecting up the beer cans around him.

"No – guys!" Naruto looked from Sasuke to Kiba, who'd begun searching through the bush for Akamaru, the pup having fallen off at some point. "Guys I swear it'll show up! Wh – _there it is!" _Naruto jabbed at Sakura's room window, which swung open as he spoke. "God it's _hideous!_"

"Naruto that's Sakura."

"… Oh. Bu-"

"Just shut up Naruto." Kiba turned and waved up at her. "Hi Sakura!"

Sakura leaned on the windowsill, supporting her chin with her hand. She looked tired. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing!"

"Well I'm trying to sleep… Would'ya go?"

"Yeah! Sorry!"

"_Nn_." Sakura grunted and shut the window, her silhouette fading back and then gone.

Naruto eyed his friends in the silence that followed. "… I think we've _all_ grown."

* * *

"Who was that?" Said Hinata.

"No one important." Sakura paused to take a sip from the glass on her nightstand. "Just some idiots."

"Oh… Okay." Hinata smiled sleepily. She laid back down and rolled onto her side, one hand lifting the covers invitingly. Sakura slipped beneath the covers, escaping from the winter cold. She reached out and caressed Hinata's cheek for a moment, her thumb brushing an errant lock of hair. Hinata placed her own hand over Sakura's, her eyes drifting closed, and she leaned in, lips puckered. Sakura grinned into their kiss, and slid her hand gently down Hinata's neck and beneath the covers.

"…THIS IS NICE."

Both girls' eyes went wide and they slowly looked at the massive form hunched in the center of Sakura's room.

"HERE." It rested two small boxes on the foot of the bed. "MAN MAY BE BENT BY TIME, BUT ALL CAN APPRECIATE THE SIMPLE COMFORT OF A TRAVEL-SIZE HEATING BLANKET."

"… _Wh_…" Hinata said, voice a whisper. Sakura placed an arm on her chest protectively. Neither of them moved, and the standoff that followed seemed to last an eternity.

"_Are_…" Sakura cleared her throat, "Are you… going to leave?"

"… YES."

Sakura looked at it, feeling less and less threatened and more and more inconvenienced as the seconds ticked by. "… Get out of here!"

* * *

"Quickly, Kiba!" Naruto turned to Kiba, who was still searching the bush by Sakura's house for Akamaru. "Where will it show up!"

"I don't know." He said over his shoulder. "Why would I know?"

"Then they're all dead." Naruto said morosely. Sasuke, still sitting in his lawn chair nearby, quirked his head at that leap in logic but chose not to comment. "They're all dead and it's just us now. It will be here soon."

Kiba paused his search to look at Naruto for a long moment. Then he turned away. "I agree that it will be here _eventually._ On account of us not encountering it like, at all yet."

"That." Naruto replied simply. "Well how long do you think we'll have to wait?"

"I AM HERE."

Sasuke fell out of his lawnchair. Kiba fell into the bush. Naruto, emboldened by surprise ran up and kicked it in the shin. "Hyaa!"

Two great eyes glanced down at him.

"… Hyaa!" Naruto figured if he tried again maybe some magic would happen. But instead his foot hurt really bad. Well maybe a third time? "Hyaa! Take _that! _Hyaa! I'll show you to kill Sakura!"

It blinked. "IT IS HUMAN TO ERR. DIVINE TO FORGIVE. I AM NEITHER OF THESE. TAKE SOLACE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR PUNISHMENT SHALL BE AS JUSTIFIED AS IT IS ENDLESS." It kicked Naruto in the shin.

"Gah!" Naruto squawked and started hopping around on one foot, clutching at his leg. "Oh god!" He cried. "Why did evolution curse man with such a mortal weakness?"

"So this is how I die, huh?" Those two giant eyes turned to Sasuke, who'd leisurely gotten up a few moments ago, and now stood with his hands in his pockets. "Not bad. Not bad at all."

"CHILD OF MADNESS – TAKE YOUR PRIZE." Sasuke shrugged and took the box it handed to him. Now attention turned to Kiba, the boy having found Akamaru in the bushes and placed him back in his hood. "AND YOU… DOG BOY."

"Dog boy…" Kiba grouched.

"SILENCE. NOT ALL MEN ARE DUE EPITHETS. TAKE YOUR BOX AND LEARN TO SPEAK IN TURN."

"...I don't like you." Kiba said, but took the proffered box nonetheless.

"JESTER. LASTLY, YOUR DUE." One last small package was held out.

"Oh god the pain!" Naruto was still hopping around, clutching at his shin. "_Why does it still hurt_!" It held out the package for a bit longer, before growing a little weary of it and carefully balancing it on Naruto's head. The box fell to the ground shortly.

"YES. I HAVE DONE AS ASKED. MY RECOMPENSE REPAID. I AM SLAVE TO NONE BUT MYSELF. FAREWELL, CHILD OF MAN. MAY THE PAIN YOU FEEL BE A POX ON YOUR KIN FOR EONS TO COME."

The eyes closed, and just like that it was gone. Naruto fell to the ground. Kiba and Sasuke looked at their respective packages.

"I... Is that it? Has it been just... handing shit out all night?" Sasuke asked. "That's not evil at all."

"Nah." Kiba agreed. "I mean I don't know what's in the _box _but..." Kiba's eyes narrowed and he glanced down at the box in his hands, then back up at Sasuke, who'd done the same. "… You first."

Sasuke sighed. He gently peeled back the tape and unstuck the flaps. His mouth fell open at what he saw. Gently, he retrieved his brother's severed head from the box, a smile spreading across his lips.

Kiba didn't feel that there were any words that would accurately convey how he felt just then. "What the fuck, man." Kiba felt proud.

Sasuke hugged the head to his chest and sighed contentedly. "Open yours."

Kiba could only shrug and open his package. "Oh sweet!" Kiba pulled the large turkey sandwich from the box and took a bite. "…What?" He said to Sasuke's inevitable condescending look. "Oh like your severed head is _so_ much better than my sandwich? Let's see you eat it smartass."

"I might."

"Do it."

"I will."

"Well I'm right here let's go."

"I'm doing it."

"Well let's see it."

* * *

"A thousand boxes of matches hell _yessss_." Ino hissed, pumping her fist. "_Yesssss_."

* * *

Sakura and Hinata wrapped a small heating blanket around their shoulders, and draped another across their legs. "You know this is actually really nice."

* * *

"Goggles." Shikamaru said after a long moment of probing with his fingers. "Just in time, _asshole_."

* * *

Naruto stopped hissing and writhing on the ground. "Stopped hurting everything's good." He drew up his package as he stood. "And hey, wonder what I got, huh? Hah, probably gold. Probably like a bunch of bars of gold. Yeah. For s-OHGODBLARG" A large hissing spider leaped out of the box onto his face.

Sasuke smiled, a warmth blossoming in his chest. "Merry Ninja-Christmas, every one."

* * *

END

* * *

_an/ I was going to put this in Goblin, but I'm so proud of it I think it deserves its own one shot. __Murry Chrismas or holidays or whatever, don't matter. Just smile and don't drink eggnog it's gross. _


End file.
